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Reader: I work full-time for one company from home but do side work for others with no conflict of interest.

A while back, a colleague from another company asked me to do some consulting for him. His company falls into the gray area that is not exactly a conflict of interest — but not exactly NOT a conflict of interest. I wanted to help him out, so I accepted with the condition that I would be an unnamed consultant and that my company could not find out.

Well, he told my boss during a Zoom call (which I was not on). My boss called me and was seriously unhappy because I had not told or asked her first.

I have no idea why he would out me like that. Maybe he wanted to be on the up-and-up with my boss? Did he just forget? On each invoice he signed off on, I had written, “No attribution to [my company].”

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In retrospect, I should not have accepted any role with this colleague. I would say he is untrustworthy, but maybe I am as well for taking this role. Pot calling the kettle black.

I have backed out of the project, citing my heavy workload, but I am going to run into this colleague sooner or later. We used to be friends, but now I’m done with him.

I know he will ask me about this, and I plan to tell him I don’t want to say something I will regret later. The unsaid implication is that he should not have said something he would regret later.

Is that too much or too little to say? I don’t want to come across as bitter and petty.

Work Advice: My boss is a back-channeling bully

Karla: So you’re hoping that the guy who did not understand, remember or care to comply with your explicit demand for secrecy will somehow pick up on an unspoken hint that he should be ashamed of himself?

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I have no idea whether he’s forgetful, malicious, somehow thought your boss was in on the secret, or is actually sharing ownership of his business with an identical twin brother who didn’t know all the details of your arrangement. But I do know that leaving things unsaid and giving incomplete reasons for your decisions is the opposite of clear communication.

When you backed out of the project, that was your ideal chance to find out what he was thinking while letting him know the consequences of his indiscretion. Maybe you were too flustered then. But it’s not too late to speak up when the opportunity presents itself again: “Hey, about that project I was doing for you: I know I said I was pulling out because of my workload, but the main reason is that my boss got angry after learning about it from you. I thought you understood she wasn’t to know about my involvement, so I’m puzzled as to why you told her. It really put me in a bad spot.”

It’s a simple statement of facts, not an accusation. His reply, and maybe apology, will help you decide whether your friendship can be salvaged, even though you may never trust him in a professional context.

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But while your colleague is a convenient target for your embarrassment-presenting-as-anger, let’s discuss the fine kettle you have rationalized yourself into: “Not … NOT a conflict” boils down to “a conflict.” And you clearly knew that going into this arrangement, which is why you wanted to keep it on the down low.

Work Advice: These remote workers are doing two jobs at once. They say it's fair.

Plenty of people, including me, have side gigs in addition to their full-time day jobs. Some, like me, do so with their primary employer’s explicit permission; others figure what they do on their own time is their own business, so long as it’s not interfering with their work and doesn’t conflict with the employer’s interests — for example, by benefiting a competitor.

However, if you’re not going to seek permission, you had better be prepared to seek forgiveness. Assume the worst will happen and plan for it. If you can’t envision how you will explain yourself if (or when) secrets leak, then that’s a sign not to make the deal.

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Your primary employer has to take priority over any side gig. It’s not “one” company, but “the” company. If you can’t afford to lose your full-time job — and few of us can — you need to put all your efforts into rebuilding trust with your boss and establishing yourself as a solid, reliable employee who can be counted on to exercise good judgment and ethics. That could mean taking a break from outside work or clearing any future gigs with your boss in advance.

If you chafe at the idea of giving up your autonomy to accept side gigs, it might be time to consider moving from full-time employment to self-employment.

It would mean having to manage your own taxes and benefits, but you would set your own pay rates and choose your own projects. Just be aware that dealing ethically with clients is paramount when your business’s reputation rests entirely with you.

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